The "no-jurisdiction" jurisdiction

So on my way home from work, I'm stopped at the light to turn left (turns out to be a very important detail) onto 741 in that horrendous intersection at Austin Blvd, when the car behind me runs into me. They were behind me, stopped at the light, for a good minute so why they decided to push the pedal to the metal when I'm still sitting there is beyond me.

We sit there awkwardly for a minute, stuck at the torturous intersection when the car pulls around me to the right. At this moment I thought, "she must be pulling over so we can exchange information," so I follow. Then, she guns it. This is the moment I realize the game we are about to play...

I speed up and follow so I can get her license plate number but she takes a sharp u-turn right into the busy traffic. My blood was boiling but the tiny "license plate dings" on my back bumper were not enough to kill myself over, so the next logical thing to do was report this hit and run to the cops.

For the next 30 minutes, I would be juggled by 3 dispatchers who couldn't decide which jurisdiction I was in.

"Which road were you on?"

"Which way were you turning?"

"We're you headed north?"

"Are you sure?"

After being asked the same questions 10 times, I realized that this intersection is not only incredibly dangerous but also lies in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle because no one knows where you are located or where you belong.

How insane is this?

45 minutes later, a state trooper showed up - because they still couldn't decide which jurisdiction I was in. Then as I was describing the car, I gave him the first 3 digits of the license plate and this picture.

He said it was a Chevy.

The trooper wasn't impressed with my "dents" or my detective work, but my drawing skills are sure to put her behind bars.

Stay safe Dayton.

American Horror Story Drinking Game

Who are you kidding? The office is quiet.. your mind is on vacation.. and you are only going to do minimal work tomorrow. And tonight is the FINALE of American Horror Story! So grab a bottle of wine and get a little tipsy :)

2 weeks ago, my friends and I made the American Horror Story Drinking Game.

Here are the rules (I adjusted some of rules because some things have changed since the last time we played).

1. If someone has sex - drink 2

2. If you see the young maid - drink1

3. If you see the old maid - drink 2

4. If you see the man in the black rubber suit - drink 2

5. If someone says the name Violet - drink 3

6. If some references being crazy - drink 2

7. If there is a fresh death (someone new dies) - drink 4

8. If there is a flashback - drink 1

9. If you see the red ball roll across the floor - drink 5

10. If you see the new "devil" baby - drink 4

11. If Ben Harmon finally realizes what is going on in the house - drink 5

Hey Ben Harmon

ENJOY!

xoxox, Jes

You know what's funny? Honesty.

Last night, as I was leaving a Thai restaurant, a homeless woman asked me for money because she was hungry. I looked down at my neatly wrapped fried rice and I couldn't stomach walking away. So I handed them over. The woman didn't even smile, she looked at the carry out box like it had cooties and said, "I was really hoping you would give me money so I could go to the bar."

I got so mad and yelled, "You should be glad you got my DINNER!" 

Now, I know that my Thai leftovers may not be ideal (and I like it spicy).. but the restaurant messed up my order so it was a new batch of fried rice that I had barely touched..and it was still pipping hot and delicious.

Then it occurred to me... if she would have just said she wanted to go to the bar in the first place, I wouldn't feel so offended by her dis-honesty. I wanted to snatch that carry out box right back! But before I knew it she was stuffing it into her bag. It was at the point of no return... a black hole of lord knows what.

This past weekend, in Cleveland, this homeless man was standing outside of the Browns stadium with a sign that said, "Not gonna lie, need beer." People were practically swarming him with money. He was honest, and made people laugh... why do you think people love comedy so much?

Everyone loves an honest homeless man.

Everyone loves a knowledgeable homeless man.

Everyone loves a witty homeless man.

So the point of my story is... BE HONEST PEOPLE. In everything that you do. Be honest with others, and most importantly, be honest with yourself. And to the homeless people...

Make yourself look like an alcoholic and you'll make millions.

Doggy Style

Friday the phones were out all day at work. Now let me just say that this was fantastic! I answer the phones and forward calls in the office so it was nice to have a little time to concentrate on my work without interruptions. Want to know what's not so fantastic?!.. yelling "DOGGY STYLE" in your office (especially when no one is on the phone so the office is quiet).

What?! Don't look at me like that. It was an accident!

So, the office phone situation was finally resolved around 5 pm.. just in time for my older sister to call me and ask for my advice on a flyer she was having trouble with for work. She wanted to fit 2 flyers on one page. So I asked her if they were doggy style. After a "psshht ummm okay... *awkward silence*" from the other line, my face became flushed with embarrassment! And stumbling over my words trying to explain what I meant:

"I mean the page... Doggy style, like hot dog/hamburger... how you fold the paper... you know like when we were kids... is it long ways or short fat ways... know what I mean?! Yes?..."

Apparently my big sis has no idea what I was talking about and thinks I'm a big creep for basically yelling "doggy style" in my office. *still blushing*

But seriously?! Does anyone remember the ol' "fold the paper hot dog style or hamburger style" speil? Or am I just the office perv...

I even drew you a pretty picture.

Close Up Shop!

While my computer was being worked on at work, I was privileged enough to sit at Senior's desk. He's my boss' dad and he needs to retire. He still comes in the office every now and again to take care of some "administrative tasks," but most importantly, he makes sure to "Close up inventory."

Don't Read This Post

I'm not even going to post this link on Facebook or Twitter because I have high hopes that by the time you actually look at my blog, this post will be so far down the page that you won't even see this... a girl can dream.

Well, it's 10 pm on a Friday night and I have no plans... Now, I know what you're thinking.. but honestly, my only option right now it seems is a collection of guys that I hoped would be my friends and instead have resorted to trying to date me.. RUN!

So, I am not even going to ask them what they are doing and try to tag along. No thanks.. I would rather do this instead:

Yep, that's me.. alone in my house, drinking a beer, and doing pilates. In case you can't tell, I have decided to draw a diagram for you:

Much better. It must be working! I mean look at that bicep...

*this is what happens when you drink and post, or just post out of pure boredom to save yourself from going insane, which clearly didn't work because I still pushed the "Publish Post" button (which proves my insanity).

OH! My phone is ringing! Gotta go.. meeting my friend Mo at the bar :)

Someone Needs To Explain This...

I blame OU for making me believe that all people are awesome and that "random roommates" are always going to be super cool and turn into your new BFF's.. or even just respect one another.

Welcome to the real world... or the world of Craigslist roommates.

So here it goes... the story of the man boy in the basement.

I had a bunch of my best friends in town for NYE here in DC. It was hands down one of the best weekends of my life. I only have a few towels at my house so I asked everyone to bring their own, along with pillows, blankets, etc; Well one morning, we woke up to a peculiar sight on the kitchen table. There was a white towel spread out with what appeared to be a "questionable brown stain" with a note that read, "Someone needs to explain this..."

At first, I thought it was a joke. We all laughed it off and I kept saying, "Okay guys, whose towel is this?" No one fessed up so I figured they were too embarrassed by the "questionable brown stain" to speak up.

About 2 days later, I finally saw "the man boy in the basement" and he abruptly said, "did you see the note I left?!" to which I replied, "ha, yeah what was that about?!" and he said, "one of your little friends went downstairs and wiped their ass on my towel!"

...let me just let that sink in for a moment...

I felt an immediate sense of confusion and then, I couldn't hold it in any more, I burst out laughing. I said, "You have to be kidding me! You actually think one of my friends, went all the way into the basement just to wipe their ass on your towel?" Do you know how ridiculous that sounds.

Now mind you.. no one went in the basement the entire weekend and there would be no reason to go down there. I only go down there to do my laundry.

Well,

I have an idea for you Mr. Man Boy in the Basement....

Did you ever think that maybe you didn't wipe your own ass good enough and when you got out of the shower, you wiped your own ass on your own damn towel?

Total Tourists

My best friends came to visit for NYE in DC and it was definitely the best weekend I've had yet in this great city. I can always count on them to cheer me up and make me laugh until it hurts.

In front of the Washington Monument

P.S. Look at those awesome BOOTS! Yep I found em! A steal.. only $40 at Bakers :)

The highlights of the trip were a 25 cent blue turtle named Squishy, and a $2.50 carousel ride on National Mall... It doesn't take much to entertain us.

Squishy seeing the sights

In heaven

Thanks for the best NYE guys :) xoxox

Georgetown Fashion?...

As I stood at the street corner waiting anxiously for the street light cross walk to turn to that little white walking man... the only thing I could do to compose myself from bursting out into laughter was to scan this man's outfit so that I could "paint" it for you on the glorious Microsoft Paint as soon as I got home.

One word... Hottie.

Wait! Why Weren't You Holding The Bird?!

Remember my old post about staying at the Ritz in Atlanta.. well I promised ridiculous photos and here you go:

We didn't pose for this at all... wink* wink*

Well, whenever I have a bad day (such as today) I'll just look at this picture and chuckle. After this picture was taken I looked at my sister (far right. Isn't she cute..) and said "WAIT! WHY WEREN'T YOU HOLDING THE BIRD!?"(note the cute white birds on the table). The best part is, I was dead serious. I had managed to convince myself that perhaps the picture would be complete if she were only holding a bird.. or maybe it would look like we didn't pose but that that bird just belonged in her tiny hands...

I watch too much Disney.

Fascinated by the decor.. I'm easily amused.

Warning: Lava isn't Fun to Eat

I'm sorry for my lack of posting last week.. I'm sure you were all checking your computers every hour anticipating another blow your mind blog post, and I apologize for letting you down.

However, I was busting my ass all week in Philadelphia for my first grown-up business lady work trip. Hustle and bustle. We arrived by train which is a short 2 hour trip to the Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia. It is a beautiful hotel and the staff was amazing. "Yes Ms. Armstrong," this, "yes Ms. Armstrong," that (royalty treatment)... and the FOOD?!... Amazing.

The company card helped as well. Four days of great food and wine and.... cha ching!.. all on the company. It's enough to spoil a girl. As soon as I got back Friday I was too exhausted to cook, and had no food so I had pizza delivered. I stared at my pathetic debit card... shaking my head. Damn it. This ones on me.

As you know, I was on the hunt for an authentic Philly cheese steak, and let me tell ya. It was an experience..



Before I added the "hot" sauce

 First of all, I pictured cheese steaks as full of mushroom sauce and oozy goodness. But to my surprise, it came dry with cheese and sauteed onions.. the "saucing" is up to you. Maybe you can order it with mushrooms... I dunno... I'm a newbie.

I decided to go with Geno's because that is what my Twitter friends recommended.. and I'd say by the size of the crowd that we made the popular choice.

So, I made my way to the sauce counter to pick my poison. Hot sauce?!.. Score! It was even in one of those nifty ketchup pump things so I thought "perfect! I love hot sauce! This looks so yummy!" .... I sat down, had my first bite, and thought to myself.. this hot sauce has a bit of a bite and I like it. In a twist of irony, Mo sat down and said, "I hope this hot sauce isn't too hot because I put a lot on mine." We carried on eating our subs and conversing when all the sudden we both got completely silent.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!!! She was choking, I was coughing and gaging, we were both basically crying. At that moment we both made eye contact with our miserable tear filled eyes and started cracking up because at the time we didn't know what else to do about our pain. The only thing to temporarily dull the pain was to rub ice on your lips. That shit needs to come with a disclaimer!! It wasn't hot sauce, it was lava. This is what the disclaimer should look like:

Sh*t I find Funny: Metro Song

Sugar Sticks

My mommy came in town for the Labor Day weekend :) It was perfect. Good food, beautiful weather, and good company. 

Saturday night we went with my roomie and friends to see Loni Love at DC Improv. It was my first comedy show and definitely not my last. After an incredibly racist opener, Loni came on and killed it. No one was safe: gay, straight, black, white, male, female.... I wish I could have taken pictures but we weren't allowed :(

"What are you looking at sugar sticks?! I see you! Just because I'm big and black you think I can't get a man?..."

Sunday we walked around National Mall for a few hours for some sight seeing. My mom has never been to DC before, so we tried to squeeze in as much as we could.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend.

Enjoying the beautiful day at the Sculpture Garden

It was so funny to see my mom's reaction to life in the city. The metro bus/train was the most amusing part. She thinks that the metro train is scary because, "it looks like you're in the center of the earth," and there's a bunch of "weirdos." Oh well, a SmartTrip pass is cheaper than a car payment ;) Love you mom.

I Made A New Friend!.. He Likes Doritos.

My Friend Playing Hard to Get

Nom Nom Nom

It's a great day to be a Bobcat

Ah yes.

Can you smell it? Old country brick roads... new comforters and plastic storage containers.. freshly opened Natty Light...

Freshman move in weekend.. and another excuse for upper classmen to buy a keg and post up on their porches, all for the sake of watching the freshman biscuits move in and intimidating the hell out of the parents that have no idea what they just got their kids into.

Right above our heads was a painted sheet that read "Don't worry dad, your daughters are in good hands with 24 Stewart"

I specifically remember move in day Junior year because this heavy set girl with a blue mohawk across the street was increasingly getting obnoxiously intoxicated and was taking the whole, "scare the parents thing" too far. By noon, she was wrestling in kiddie pools, by 1 pm, she was flashing cars her nipple rings, and by 2 pm she was running down the street topless with a black spray painted bikini on top (que Katy Perry music).... you should have seen the look on those parent's faces. Sheer horror.


Well, Freshman biscuits, since I'm not there to train you properly, here are a few tips:

1. Don't pet the horse cops, they're evil and reel you in with their horse-ness and before you know it,   you are looking into the face of the enemy. (Credit to my sister Brandy: I am not stealing your identity)

2. Don't answer your dorm door without a peep hole if you are drinking. You don't have to answer. In one case I did and was greeted by the SWAT team (not really but it felt like it)
3. O'Betty's is the shit
4. Junction is the only bar you will get into as a Freshman so enjoy those J-Punches! (and tell Keith I said hi)
5. Don't start riots. It's stupid.

See you at Homecoming!

Sh*t I find Funny #2: "My Booky Wook"

I'm not a critic and I'm not a writer so bare with me.. or is it bear with me? (see what I mean).

I just finished Russel Brand's, "My Booky Wook: A Memoir of Sex, Drugs, and Stand-Up" It was my Labor Day present from Matt, and it is the best Labor Day gift I've ever gotten!... The only one I've ever gotten, but the BEST!

  

The man. The myth. The legend

As you know I commute to work, which means awkward positions in close quarters with smelly strangers. What better way to make yourself comfortable than laughing out loud (yes, LOL) while you are uncomfortably close to others. I figure that people on the metro have made me feel uncomfortable enough that it was now my turn to make things awkward for them by laughing hysterically, looking up and whispering "sorryyyy" with a smile.

They probably think I'm bloody mad (as Russell would say) but I couldn't help it. "My Booky Wook" is just an easy, laugh out loud, kinda book. The book is about Brand's life journey through a sexually and disastrously drug filed career into a path of redemption.

I was safely above the legal age and under my drug-brella - the device that protects me from all condemnation. Beneath its shelter I cannot be damned, nor can judgements affect me; they are deflected like the rain, as I skip off into the decadent night   -Russel Brand

He not only pokes fun at himself, but religion, western culture, and the industry that he has grown to love: comedy. One of my favorite quotes from the book:

 Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment - you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth. Half the world is starving, and the other's going, "I don't actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things."  -Russel Brand

If you're looking for a book, pick it up. You won't be disappointed... just be aware that you might LOL on the metro and make things awkward.

Sh*t I find funny #1: OMFG Sushi!

I stumbled on Smosh.com which featured an article on the "12 All New Best Test Answers of All-Time." I found this one hilarious.... I actually LOL'ed.

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/knowledge/12-all-new-best-test-answers-all-time

He's a Professional

A text my friend Matt sent me:

"I've gotten so tired of people asking me what an annuity marketer does.. I've started telling people I'm a professional vampire hunter.

When they tell me vampires don't exist, I reply that I'm really good at my job."

I'm so Metro...

At the request of my little sister, I took a picture of my commute home on the metro.

  This photo was incredibly uncomfortable to take because I was crammed on the side with my neck in the oddest angle while I tried to avoid breathing at all costs due to the incredibly smelly armpit dangerously close to my left cheek.

Please note how excited everyone looks.. oh and that guy sleeping woke up right after I took this picture because I forgot to turn off my flash... awkwarddddd.

Overly dramatic sketch of my commute to work

DO YOU LIKE HORSES?!

Yesterday I was walking to lunch trying to stay cool in this blistering heat. I have this theory where if I take slow steady breaths and smile, the heat won't bug me. It never succeeds, but anyways.. I was walking through Georgetown with a smile on my face (my heat-ignoring tactic), when this guys steps in front of me and goes:

Man: HEY!

awkward startling pause

Man: Do you like horses?!

immediate defensive response

Me: NO!

I kept walking, confused as to what just happened, and determined to escape from this awkward conversation. As I was walking away, I heard Man say this, disappointingly in the background:

Man: Lame.

As I got further away I couldn't help but laugh. This man jumped in front of me and made me feel so uncomfortable that I said I didn't like HORSES! Who doesn't like horses?! The man startled me and caught me off guard so much that he could have said, "Do you like babies?" and I probably would have said no.