So Very Lucky

Today I woke up with this overwhelming sensation of how undeniably, unequivocally and sometimes unworthily, lucky I am. 

I have the most amazing family, fiance, friends, job, life and I am even more lucky to be able to witness their successes as we all grow together. 

For someone who likes to talk a lot, I don't say enough and I tend to hold things in. I'm working on allowing myself to be vocal and happy and tell you all how much I appreciate you because 

you deserve it and so do I. 

I would be lost without you all.

xoxox,

Jes

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

The realization that I will never see my dad again, hug him or hear his laugh, hits me [every.single.day] but some days it hits me like a train, and in the most unexpected ways.

Yesterday, I was driving home and the radio announcer introduced a new Christina Aguilera song. I figured with pop stars these days, it would be another electronic dance hit, but when the song started playing, what I felt was unexpected.

By the end of the song, I was pulled over on the side of the highway crying hysterically muttering the words of the song in that horrible cry/singing voice that only you can understand. 

"Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you."

I think about all the times I/we tried to save him and all the times that in my/our efforts to save him, I/we ended up more hurt. It's hard not to feel the guilt, I know we all do, and I know that unfortunately some people look at my sisters and I with judging eyes as if we could have done something - worked some sort of miracle.

If only they really, truly, knew.....

New Beginnings

A lot has changed for me in the past few months, which has lead me on a journey to ground myself again. I crave and need creativity to keep me grounded and sane. After over a year off from blogging, I cannot express how grateful I am to be able to look back at my life a year ago, and remember why I love writing so much. I have always claimed that I am not a great writer, I just truly enjoy the art of expression. However, when I read back on posts, I realize, that practice makes perfect. I'm not so bad after all, but boy am I rusty now!

In the past 3 months, Adam and I have moved in together, we are now happily engaged, my father passed away, and I am starting a new job at work. How is that for adaptability!? Big life events, create time for reflection. It's time to focus on ME again, and my new life with Adam, who is arguably the most fantastic, loving, amazing man on this earth. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have him in my life. How did I get so lucky?

To start, I want to share with you my new page Life List. I have been walking around with my iPhone Bucket List checking things off as I go, but time moves so fast, we can lose sight of all that we want to accomplish. I want to bring my Life List back into focus!

What is on your Bucket List/ Life List? What do you want to accomplish before life passes by?

Looking Back and Moving Forward

1. I moved back to Ohio from DC and I am finally digging in my heels and settling down. After 4 years in college and a year in DC, it dawned on me that I haven't really "been around" for my family in 5 years. I love the fact that my best friends are only 1 hour away, my boyfriend is 40 minutes away, and my family is right down the road. I can honestly say, that I am truly HAPPY right now.

2. My beautiful baby niece arrived in 2011, making it the best year ever! Baby Gwenyth is incredible. Seriously. I can't take my eyes off of her.

3. Coming to terms with the things I cannot change - friends, family, money... whatever it may be... there are just some things that are completely out of my control and I am finally learning how to be okay with that. I no longer feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

4. I love my new job and it challenges me in all the right ways. It forces me to be creative, analytic, decisive, and self motivated. It keeps me on my toes and I can't wait to see what's next.

5. Becoming more physically fit. In the last years of  binge drinking in college and indulging in comfort food in DC, it was easy to "lose myself." I have been frequenting the gym and I never thought I would say it, but I even look forward to the gym! It feels great to take charge and I am finally starting to see results (Holiday eating aside.)

1. Kicking all my bad habits - I bite my nails and I "pull" out my eyelashes. How disgusting! I look like a child and it's time to grow up! I will kick these habits in 2012.

2. Put a dent in school loans - I went through the angry/ pouty phase of post grad school loans. "Why me? Will I ever get out of this? I'm poor. Wah. Wah. Wah." But as I stated in #3 of 2011, I cannot focus on things that cannot change, and I was starting to annoy myself with all the whining about money. Just save your money and suck it up. In 2012, I will put a serious dent in paying off my school loans!

3.  Stay connected - I think I could do a better job of checking in with my friends and family that live farther away. I don't "like talking on the phone" but that is no excuse. In 2012, I want to stay connected with the people who matter most.

4. Cook more - baking, cooking, exotic cocktails.. I want to do it all. I would like to try a new recipe at least once a week (as long as it doesn't become too costly and interfere with #3). In 2012, I want to advance my skills in the kitchen, and I don't think my boyfriend will mind being my personal taste tester :)

5. Get 50 new blog followers - I want to become more involved with blogging and provide value to my readers. I need to attract readers and get them interested enough to come back! In 2012, I want to attract 50 new blog followers. Right now I have 26, so cheers to 76!

If you want to make your own Looking Back.. and Moving Forward list on your blog, LINK UP with Life According to Jes and submit your link below!

xoxox, 

Jes.

Oh Snap

It has been so nice to get settled into my new apartment, and catch up with friends and family. My life looks a lot like this lately, and I am perfectly content :)

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

While you read this post about my departure from DC and all the things I will miss, please listen to this somberly/awesome song (yes, somberly is a word. I Googled it to make sure). It helps set the mood.. and I promise that I am listening to it right now on repeat as I write this, so it's only fair... Plus! I haven't made my July playlist yet. Oops. Do you guys even listen to those things anyways?!

THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT WASHINGTON DC! 

*In no particular order* 

but I guess it's only natural to think of your most favorite things first

1. Meridian Hill Park

Meridian was one of the most beautiful parks I have ever seen and I stumbled across it one day while exploring the city. The best part was that it was only one block from our apartment. It went a few weeks unnoticed because of the high walls surrounding it, but just beyond lurks amazing landscape surrounding this enchanting fountain:

I wish I took this photo

Meridian is comprised of a labyrinth of staircases that create a Secret Garden atmosphere and also served as my fitness center because I refused to pay $125 a month for a gym membership. At the top of the fountain, overlooking the ledge, you can see the Capital Building, the Washington Monument, the Air Force Memorial, and the skyscrapers of Arlington, VA. Not to mention the amazing drum circles that would gather every Sunday afternoon.

2. The People

I will miss my roommates Mo, Justin, Mugsly and Bowser. My DC relationship with Mo and Justin began way back when with this blog post. I would have been lost in DC without them. I love you guys.

Mugsly

Bowser

I also met a surprisingly large amount of OU alumni. And I will never forget my old roommates, and my many  kickball buds.

3. Diversity

DC is full of culture and I enjoyed being surrounded by so much culture. It was a great learning experience.

Click here to see DC up close and see how your city matches up: 2010 Census

4. The Food

-Ethiopian
-Lebanese
-Indian
-Southern Soul
-Thai
-you name it, DC has it

My favorite DC meals are...

Eatonville - Mac & Cheeese

located at 14th & V (NW)

Tacklebox - Fish Tacos

located on M Street in Georgetown

*unfortunately Tacklebox suffered some damage in a kitchen fire so they are closed indefinitely

Sticky Rice - Sticky Balls

located on H Street NE

5. Sculpture Garden

I will miss dipping my toes in the water at the Sculpture Garden. 

6. Public Transportation

Of course it would have been nice to have a car for those days when you want to go on a big grocery run, or when you want to "accidentally" spend too much at Target, or even for those lonely days when I just wanted to hop in my car and drive back to Ohio to see my boyfriend, friends, and family. Don't get me wrong, a car would have been nice, but I'm proud to say that I haven't had a car in 5 years now. I walked/bused/metro/biked every where and I loved it.

I am car shopping this week though so call me a hypocrite. Hey, it was fun while it lasted.

7. The View

I'm just going to let these aerial pictures speak for me (even though I have yet to see a single picture that does it any justice):

I will end this post with a simple love letter:

Dear DC,

You rock.

Xoxox, Jes

Nobody Likes You When You're 23

I have been neglecting my blog for the past few weeks. I haven't had a knack for writing lately. I never really have had one, but I'm trying. There are so many days when I wish I could use this blog as my personal venting/counseling sessions but I'm trying not to make every detail of my life public information.. which we all know is hard these days with Twitter, Facebook, etc;

As many of you know, this week is my last week in Washington DC. I have accepted a job in Dayton, OHIO and I am very excited for this new opportunity and the start of a new chapter in my life. I was waiting until now to write a post about my new job and move back to the Buckeye State because there were some complications with my job offer. A very distant relative works at my new company (which I was unaware of) and the company was investigating a possible conflict of interest. At one point, my job offer was actually rescinded... this catapulted me into a 24 hour period of panic:

Thankfully, my new company worked hard to fix the situation and finally offered me the job. I am thankful that they were willing to work with me to come to a solution.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday and my last night in Washington DC. And exactly one year ago, my 23rd birthday was my first day in Washington DC. It's crazy how everything came full circle. What an amazing ride 23 was.

I thought that my college years were the time for learning about yourself and what you want out of life, but boy was I wrong. 23 was the year for me. I had my highest highs and my lowest lows, but I don't regret a single second. My head has never been so clear. I know exactly what I want, and I am surrounded by the most amazing people to help get me there.

Blink 182 said it best, "Nobody likes you when you're 23." 

May 1, 2011

I have received a lot of questions from family and friends back home in Ohio about how things are unfolding in DC, so I thought I would post my thoughts on here. Nothing on here will be new news.. as you know the same stories and headlines are being looped on all news stations and Twitter feeds, but this is how I see it:

Where were you when you found out about Osama bin Laden's death?

I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my roommates Mo and Justin when Justin got news on Facebook about Obama's speech. I immediately resorted to my Twitter and saw that the speech was trending (about 10 PM). Speculations and rumors were flying. Then, as we were waiting for Obama to come on, one of the people I was following announced that they heard Osama had been killed. A few minutes later, CNN released the same statement on TV, confirming suspicions. I wonder how different reactions would have been if we heard the news from Obama himself rather than finding out through social media and news sources first... but nonetheless, the power of social media amazes me.




Did you hear the story about the guy who unknowingly Tweeted about the incident from Abbottabad? Fascinating. Before the incident he had about 700 followers and now he has over 95,000! --->




After the speech, crowds were flooding to the White House to "celebrate." At first, the videos of people chanting and singing the National Anthem gave me chills. It was in fact, the first time in a long time that we have had any sign of "good news." But after a while the crowd seemed to flood with students from GW's campus and seemed to be turning into another excuse to party. Something just didn't seem right.  I only live about a mile and a half from the White House and a few faint cheers and whistles could be heard from outside my window, but no, I didn't go to the White House to "celebrate."

As one article put it:

As the news of Osama bin Laden's death, thousands of people - most of them college-age and in requisite flip-floppy collegiate gear - whipped up a raucous celebration right outside the White House gates that was one part Mardi Gras and two parts Bon Jovi concert.

There were Cigars, a few beers, a lacrosse-stick-turned-flagpole waved by a kid who just climbed a statue, joining others aloft in trees and atop lampposts. Well past midnight, cars zipped up and down the streets of downtown Washington with women standing up through sunroofs waving ginormous American flags and guys blowing vuvuzelas, spring break style.

It felt a little crazy, a bit much. Almost vulgar.

Because meanwhile, across the river, at the Pentagon, in the ghostly quiet of lights at the September 11 memorial, a military veteran silently wept.

Read the full article here.

From WashingtonPost.com

I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been out at the bars if I were still at OU, or that if I were a GW student, I wouldn't have been persuaded to go to the White House. All I am saying is that as reality sets in, you realize that this isn't over. As bittersweet and condescending that it is, I'm glad he's gone? It's certainly "complicated." The images of people cheering remind me of the images of people across the globe cheering their victory over us on 9/11.

There is an increased security presence in the metro system in Washington DC, but other than that, it seems to be business as usual. I would be lying if I said, I wasn't a little nervous for a retaliation but I feel mostly safe.

I was in the 8th grade, sitting in class when a teacher came running in our room to turn on the television. We saw the second plane fly into the second tower live. It was surreal because our school is located right off the runway from the Dayton International Airport and as we watched a plane disintegrate a building.. another was landing on the runway outside the classroom window. We were supposed to go to Washington DC for our 8th grade class trip but because of the terrorist attacks our trip was canceled. And now, a decade later, here I am, living in Washington DC when the announcement of Osama bin Laden's death was released.

*UPDATE* This quote below, come to find out, thanks to a few tips from friends, is actually a misquote. Read the article here. I told you social media was crazy ;)

My sister B shared this quote:

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that ~MLK

The cover of May 2, 2011 Washington Post. An extra 35,000 copies of this paper were made.

This is just too funny not to share

 

First DC Snow

Call Me A Dreamer

Call me voyeuristic, call me creepy, call me curious... but I can't help but wonder how other people live their lives and what they're all about.

I'm surrounded by buildings where half the lights are out, and I wonder what are these people about. What do they do for a living? How much do they make? Is it enough? Do they have a family? What are their worries? Troubles? How do they escape from it all?

Growing up, if I couldn't subdue my mind or worries, I would go for a drive. Now, my car wasn't the most luxurious but it was my sanctuary. A little red/orange/magenta (the color is still undecided) '96 Dodge Neon Sport.. complete with my favorite accessory, the sunroof.. oh and the confetti seats were super stylish.

On a bad day, I would hop in my car, roll down the windows, and blast Such Great Heights by Postal Service. This is really where my love for music came about... lyrics and their unequivocal ability to make you feel what the songwriter was feeling at that very moment.. a peak into their lives. I would dream about driving until I couldn't drive anymore. Destination unknown. It didn't matter. I just wanted to GO, and see what else was out there. I would idle through neighborhoods and catch a glimpse of other families in their homes and wonder are they as lost as me?

My 17 year old self still had a lot to learn and now at 23, I think I have learned how to better align my expectations with reality. I still have so much left to learn... but I'm still a dreamer.. and I still wonder what your lives are all about.

Random

Ahhhh (big stretch).. it's been awhile.

Work has been hectic, and my co-worker is in South Africa right now at a Baboon sanctuary (really makes you want to save the world doesn't it..) and my boss is out of the office (per usual). I wish I had some exciting news to report but I'm just living life. Same thing different day... so here are just a few random thoughts:

I've had a few people ask me about ShoeDazzle and I have to say that I've been impressed thus far. I've only purchased one pair of shoes so far (one per month) but they are killer over the knee boots and I didn't have to pay for drinks the entire night I wore them so that's a plus! :)

Also, people seem to really love ScribbleToo, the site I wrote about in my last post, and I would love to see your scribbles! You can email them to me at Jbarmstrong87@gmail.com and I will post my favorites. Although, I'm sure I will love them all :)

My sister Brandy's Scribble!

What else....Oh, and one of my favorite musicians right now is Florence and The Machine. I put some of her songs in my October playlist. If you are ever having a bad day watch this cute little boy let Florence cheer him up!

Too Nice?

A new friend of mine asked me last night if I got taken advantage of a lot... In the "you're too nice of a person" kind of way.

I instantly wanted to be like, "NO NO. Never. I'm hard as a rock." After seconds of silence, which seemed like hours, I mumbled, "Yeah. Often times I get taken advantage of." The overwhelming sense of embarrassment probably wasn't hard to miss.

Hearing those words come out of my mouth was a little intimidating, but true. Am I TOO nice? Am I TOO giving? Am I TOO understanding? Is giving people the benefit of the doubt a weakness? In most cases, it has proven to be.

In fact, last night I spent way too much money on a gym membership (that I plan on canceling after 30 days to get my money back) for the mere fact that the sales guy was nice, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. No joke. I signed the dotted line for a gym membership even though the price was way too high, because the guy was nice?!

I know that there are a lot of people who have stabbed me in the back, or kicked me when I'm down, or in one case, took advantage of a decade of friendship, but I also know there are a lot of people who appreciate my kindness. I will do anything for the people I love. I spent too many of my teenage years being angry and bitter; always having up a thick wall. Now, I embrace emotions and feelings. It's a good thing to feel. Even if that means you get a couple broken hearts along the way.

This Is Why I Love Music...

...this song explains beautifully the way I feel sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'm really beginning to love living in DC but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel "Lost And Far From Home" at times...

Life Happens

I woke up this morning in a haze. My thoughts jumbled. I shouldn't be here. The commute to work kept dragging. I couldn't focus long enough to read my book on the train. The minute my eyes skimmed over the meaningless words, they vanished from my memory. Pointless. The train station always reeks of burnt rubber from the halting on the tracks. Today, the smell was unbearable. I hated it. The escalator was broken and the people were walking too slow. Holding me back. The walls of my office cubicle were slowly moving in. Suffocating. I shouldn't be here. I need to pick up the pieces. I need to be there.

What happened? Life Happened.



At least today was fish taco day....

I'm a Material Girl

Who ever said "I don't need material things to make me happy," was lying.

You don't realize how much you  miss your "things" until they're gone. Since I flew to Washington DC with 2 suitcases and a purse stuffed as full as I could get them without busting at the seams, I sadly left behind all the little pieces of who I am in Ohio. Okay.. possibly a little dramatic, but I really missed my things.

Growing up, I filled bins and boxes with every passed note, birthday card, ticket stub, brochure, and letter I had ever received. My mom was constantly battling with me to consolidate these boxes to a much smaller, and more practical shoe box. I would sit down on the floor and spread out my boxes meticulously going through every brochure and reading every note.. as the memories rushed back, I would carefully place the note in the "keep" pile. By the time I got to the bottom of the box, I realized, I was putting everything in the "keep" pile with the exception of a candy wrapper that must have snuck it's way into my memories box. This would not make my mom happy. Rather than sacrifice my memories to the trash, I decided that I would stand by my memories one by one and explain what each one meant to me.

How about this?... Can you throw this away? No! That's my aquarium brochure mom! We went to the aquarium for our 4th grade field trip! My kids will want to see this some day!... This conversation would go on for hours until my mom would just give up and let me neatly place everything back into my box.

I even convinced her to let me keep a piece of paper that contained a MASH game... remember those? My husband was Jonathan Taylor Thomas, my car was a shopping cart, and I lived in a shack.

I don't necessarily know where this attachment came from. As a kid my dad was always the one with the huge tourist maps and brochures no matter where we went. The man is full of useless information. We visited the Air Force Museum, Art Museum, and the Museum of Natural History at least once a month, and although I'm sure the brochure hadn't changed from the month before, he would make sure to get a new crisp copy.

My mom on the other hand, rarely has many trinkets from her childhood. When I got to the age of curiosity about my mother's childhood and what she was like as a teenager, the only thing I had to satisfy my curiosity were a couple of dusty year books.

My mug that I purchased from Dayton Visual Arts Center

 

I would guess that my obsession with keepsake items is a mixture between habit and the longing to leave behind a trail of memories for my children to sift through.

Yesterday, I rushed home because my mom had sent me 6 big boxes full of the things I left behind in Ohio. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning! My new place didn't quite feel like a home because it was lacking my personal touches; my paint brushes, my favorite coffee mug that fits my fingers just right, my grandmother's old silver necklace, my jewelry dish, my moccasins... it all just fits. Everything has its own story. It's me.

Dolphins

Last night, I was up at 2 in the morning bawling my eyes out because I watched "The Cove."

I know I'm a little behind, but I finally got the opportunity to watch it. I am completely horrified by what I saw in the award winning documentary and I will no longer support Dolphin captivity for our amusement. One line from the movie that stuck out to me the most was,

"If you're not an activist, you're an in-activist." 

Today, I will start by helping to spread the word.

Digital Death

Twitter just released a new plan that allows family members to petition and remove Twitter accounts for their deceased loved ones.

Just a thought: Are gay couples allowed to petition their deceased partners Twitter account too or is the Bible against that as well...

Anywho, I have had a few encounters with haunting, deceased Facebook accounts. For example, one of my friends passed away last summer after a long hard fight with Leukemia at only 18 years old. Facebook sends me constant reminders like, "Reconnect with Blake." and "Wish Blake a happy 19th birthday!" Not to mention, the countless wall posts saying, "Thinking of you. Wishing you were here," on my news feed.

Of course, these reminders make me sad, but more so, they make me happy. It is nice to be able to look back on Blake's profile, and others that have passed and be able to "pay your respects" or browse through old photos to remember.In this case, Blake's family "took over" his account information to update and thank Blake's social network for support. I'm sure it is and was very difficult for his family to manage his profile account, but I would  like to think that they get some comfort from looking back and reading Blake's thoughts and postings from time to time.

In this day and age, we die two deaths, the physical and the digital. Or, we can let our social network sites live on as a sort of homage to our lives...

Forever 41: Blake <3

Brown-eyed Blues

I think it's fair to say that I have been through several significant live changes over the past month.

Not only am I dealing with separation from my college life in Athens, but also my family and best friends in Ohio. I am also struggling through a falling out with what I thought was a life-long friend, and a 10 hour separation from my boyfriend.

With that, I feel like a nomad drifting from place to place. When I'm able to move into my house on August 1st, with three other people I have met once, I will have moved 5 times in 30 days.

Needless to say, I'm having a brown-eyed blues kinda day and I miss and love you all.

Friendship

How would you define friendship?

We all have different friends that each have their own type of relationship; whether that be your drinking buddy, the person you vent to, the person you call when you want to be right, or the person you call when you know you're wrong. No matter what relationship I have with my friends, I've always said that:

"Friends are the family you choose for yourself"

A recent change of events has made me take a step back and really analyze what friendship means to me. I think that friendship is selfless - even if that means ditching a hot date for a night full of tear filled tissues and tubs of ice cream. It means listening and offering advice when granted. It means forgiveness in times of weakness, because no one is perfect and friends should be there to help you pick up the pieces when your foundation seems to be crumbling. True friends don't abandon you in a time of transition.

Dictionary.com defines a Friend as: A person with whom one is allied

in a struggle or cause; a comrade.