I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

The realization that I will never see my dad again, hug him or hear his laugh, hits me [every.single.day] but some days it hits me like a train, and in the most unexpected ways.

Yesterday, I was driving home and the radio announcer introduced a new Christina Aguilera song. I figured with pop stars these days, it would be another electronic dance hit, but when the song started playing, what I felt was unexpected.

By the end of the song, I was pulled over on the side of the highway crying hysterically muttering the words of the song in that horrible cry/singing voice that only you can understand. 

"Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you."

I think about all the times I/we tried to save him and all the times that in my/our efforts to save him, I/we ended up more hurt. It's hard not to feel the guilt, I know we all do, and I know that unfortunately some people look at my sisters and I with judging eyes as if we could have done something - worked some sort of miracle.

If only they really, truly, knew.....